Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
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Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.