COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
What a chick magnet..
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”