Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Google Pay be like:
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Twitter fine art
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.