COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
me doing my best
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules