Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
marvel comics have peaked
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Come back with a warrant
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.