COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds