Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals