cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
You Might Also Like
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.