cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.