Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.