Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.