@UnFitz I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
@DrakeGatsby Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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@UnFitz 
@Duke1173 I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
@ericsshadow [helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
@wolfpupy 
@pudding_club *calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
@GrantTanaka dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
@slimmy_shady I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
@o__0Dev VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
@sock_holliday Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
@KylePlantEmoji [first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this