@DrakeGatsby

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

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@UnFitz

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

@Duke1173

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

@ericsshadow

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

@pudding_club

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

@slimmy_shady

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

@o__0Dev

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

@sock_holliday

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this