Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.