@scot4bz Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
@DrakeGatsby Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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@scot4bz 
@robdelaney Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
@noog Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
@Tommytoughstuff Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
@djdarrellripley Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
@boyletfire Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
@AndyAsAdjective If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
@TuSoonShakur Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
@ZombieProblms I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
@iscoff It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up