Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

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Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%


Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.


Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.


Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.


Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!


Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle


If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.


I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.


It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up