Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.