COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.