Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You Might Also Like
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
good work, detective
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.