COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
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I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Muppet Screams
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.