Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
You Might Also Like
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I don’t think my car can fly
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.