Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE