Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
You Might Also Like
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.