COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.