Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.