cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
You Might Also Like
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me