COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
You Might Also Like
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.