Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
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FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
selena gomez
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.