cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Her: That’s two!
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Happens to everyone.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy