cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.