Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
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Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.