COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?