Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
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Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted