COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
You Might Also Like
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”