Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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Monday
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”