cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
😂😂
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Saturday
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.