I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.