COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.


Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack


Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”


King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king


We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.


Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?


Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.


Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls


Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.