[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!