COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.