Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
You Might Also Like
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too