*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
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If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.