Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”