@noog

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

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@The_Sculptress

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

@Loli_Sug

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

@TinaMav

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

@brookeisgolden

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

@MeepisMurder

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@teddywah

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.