Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Lmao
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I’ve had relationships like this
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)