If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
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My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.