Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.