Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”