Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
i actually laughed 😩
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal