Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.