COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me, flirting😏
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…