COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On