Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup