Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.