cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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The “baby” on the left….
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.