Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
You Might Also Like
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Encore…
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.