Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.