Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
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a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.