Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.